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When Rejection Hurts More: Understanding Rejection Sensitivity in Neurodivergence

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The nervous system can register social rejection as physical pain, activating a threat response that often leads to avoidance.


Introduction

If you’re neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD, both, Gifted, HSP, etc.), you may often feel that rejection, criticism or feeling like you "don't fit in anywhere" lands much harder than it seems to for others. What looks like “over-reacting” may actually be your nervous system registering a threat, switching to a mode of "unsafe" and trying to protect you. Understanding how rejection-sensitivity shows up, and how it differs when it becomes something like Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) or Oppositional Defiant behaviors (ODD), can help us to stop blaming and shaming the self, start naming the patterns from the neurodivergent nervous system functioning, and build strategies that feel safe and effective.


What is “Rejection Sensitivity” vs. RSD?

Rejection sensitivity is a broad neuro-emotional trait — an increased tendency to anxiously expect, perceive, fear and physiologically overreact to potential or actual social rejection. It’s not simply about disliking criticism; it’s about how the nervous system interprets cues of exclusion or disapproval as significant threat signals.(Verywell Health, 2025)


By contrast, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a more intense, neurobiological experience often associated with ADHD and, increasingly, autism. It involves sudden, overwhelming emotional pain — sometimes felt as physical pain (can feel like you are on fire inside) — in response to perceived rejection, criticism, or failure, whether real or imagined. (Cleveland Clinic, 2023)


This reaction extends beyond straightforward “rejection.” It can arise whenever someone feels misunderstood, misinterpreted, excluded, unseen or unheard — when social interactions don’t land as intended. For many neurodivergent people, even subtle cues of confusion, withdrawal, or neutrality from others can trigger a wave of shame, panic, or despair.


At its core, RSD is not about overreacting — it’s about a nervous system wired for deep connection that has learned, often through years of misunderstanding or invalidation, to brace for disconnection before it happens.


Key features:

  • Rapid onset of distress when rejection/criticism is perceived. Advanced Autism+1

  • Not just “I feel sad” but an intense emotional reaction, often felt as a visceral, physical pain. Neurodivergent Insights

  • May lead to intense anxiety and avoidance of situations where rejection might occur (which limits growth). Neurodivergent Insights+1

  • Important: RSD is not officially recognized as a diagnosis in the DSM-5/DSM-5-TR. Cleveland Clinic


For neurodivergent people, this heightened sensitivity is often fuelled by:

  • A nervous system with heightened sensitivity and reactivity

  • Experiences of masking, being misunderstood, or social rejection over time

  • More frequent feedback or “correction” in systems built for neurotypical norms (ex: shamed for just "not getting it" when everyone else seemingly does)


For example, in autism the experience of social misunderstandings + discrimination + masking can create layers of rejection sensitivity. verywellmind.com


Why Rejection Can Feel Like Physical Pain

If rejection ever feels literally painful — a tightening in your chest, a pit in your stomach, or a full-body ache — that’s not imagined. Neuroscience shows that the brain regions involved in social pain (like rejection or exclusion) overlap with those that process physical pain — specifically the anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004; Krill & Platek, 2009). In other words, the body interprets social disconnection as a survival threat.For neurodivergent people whose nervous systems already run on high alert, this overlap means that emotional pain can register as intensely physical. That’s why rejection-sensitive experiences can feel like being “punched in the gut” or “set on fire from the inside.” It’s not drama — it’s biology. And understanding this helps shift the story from “too sensitive” to “wired for connection.”


How this Shows Up in Autism & ADHD

Autism: Autistic individuals may interpret social cues differently, may have history of repeated invalidation or exclusion, and may feel rejection more intensely because of sensory/emotion regulation differences. verywellmind.com+1. ADHD: People with ADHD show a higher likelihood of experiencing RSD. For example, children with higher ADHD symptoms showed higher rejection sensitivity in some research. Neurodivergent Insights+1


This means that when your nervous system is already operating with higher activation (because of sensory load, masking fatigue, neurodivergent stress, avoidance to cope), a perceived rejection — even mild — can feel catastrophic.


How Is This Different from ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)?

ODD is a behavioral diagnosis (in children/adolescents) defined by patterns of angry/irritable mood, argumentative/defiant behavior, or vindictiveness toward authority figures. AAFP. Some key differences:


  • ODD’s core is behavioral defiance and persistent conflict with authority, whereas RSD is core emotional dysregulation in response to perceived rejection.

  • In ODD the defiance is its own pattern; in RSD the defiance or avoidance may come because of intense fear of rejection or criticism.

  • Children with ADHD often also meet criteria for ODD (comorbidity). Healthline+1


So a teen refusing to take direction might be showing ODD, or might be having an RSD-driven response (“If I do this and risk being criticised I’ll feel awful, better to avoid or argue”). The underlying emotional trigger is key to effective intervention.


Why This Matters for Coaching & Self-Compassion

When we or others mis-label the emotional overload as “bad behaviour” or “over-sensitive”, we risk shame, self-criticism, and reinforcing the nervous system’s hyper-vigilance.


Instead:

  • Honour the emotional experience (I felt rejected, I felt unsafe).

  • Explore the why underneath the behaviour (fear of rejection → avoidance/outburst).

  • Address the nervous system: regulation, grounding, co-regulation.

  • Support the layering: neurodivergent brain + emotional regulation + environment not built for you.


Recalibrating a Nervous System Shaped by Fear and Avoidance

We are all born with certain sensitivities in our nervous system — differences in how much stimulation, emotion, or uncertainty we can comfortably process. But when we grow up in environments that don’t understand or support those sensitivities, our nervous systems learn to protect us the only way they know how: through fear and avoidance.


Avoidance feels safe in the moment, but it quietly teaches the brain that the world is more dangerous than it really is.

Each time we withdraw from what feels overwhelming, our nervous system learns to fear it even more. Healing isn’t about becoming less sensitive — it’s about helping the body recalibrate so that discomfort no longer feels like danger.


When a child’s distress is misunderstood or punished rather than co-regulated, the body learns that emotional safety depends on avoiding pain, people, or situations that might overwhelm. Over time, this avoidance pattern becomes a conditioned survival strategy — the nervous system begins to interpret even mild discomfort or uncertainty as a life-or-death threat.


Neuroscience and behavioral research show that avoidance reinforces fear: each time we avoid what feels unsafe, the brain takes that avoidance as proof that the danger was real, strengthening the fear response and lowering our tolerance for distress in the future (Borkovec et al., 2004; Craske et al., 2014).


This doesn’t mean sensitivity itself is the problem. Sensitivity is an essential human trait — it reflects awareness, empathy, and emotional depth. The goal is not to become “less sensitive,” but to help the nervous system recalibrate — to return closer to its baseline response, so that distress feels tolerable and no longer dictates our choices or shrinks our lives. Some things we may be find avoiding, others we may want to engage in and for us recalibrating that fear-avoidance response may help us life more authentically.


Through gentle exposure, nervous-system regulation, co-regulation with safe others, and compassionate self-awareness, we can gradually teach the body that intensity doesn’t always equal danger. This is how we reclaim our capacity for presence and engagement in the very parts of life we most long to experience.


Practical Supports & Strategies

Here are tools you can offer (and use) for navigating rejection sensitivity / RSD in a neurodivergent-aware way:


  1. Signal detection – Learn to notice when you’re about to feel rejected (bodily cues, racing heart, collapse).

  2. Pause & regulate – Before reacting (“snap back”, “shut down”), pause: grounding technique, self-soothing.

  3. Name the pattern – “I’m not just upset, I’m experiencing fear of rejection.” Naming helps de-escalate.

  4. Change the narrative – Replace “They don’t like me” with “I interpreted their tone as rejection, I’m going to check in.”

  5. Safe exposure – Gradual risks of feedback rather than avoidance altogether; build resilience, not perfection.

  6. Build supportive relationships – People who know your neurodivergence + emotional style can offer calibration and safety.

  7. Environment & expectation design – In neurotypical systems (work, school, family) build scaffolding: clear communication, advance warning, safe lead-ins.

  8. Address comorbid behaviours – If defiance or avoidance is key, check if underlying emotional pain like RSD is driving behaviour rather than attributing to “just bad attitude”.

  9. Professional support – Neurodiversity-affirming therapist, possibly CBT focusing on emotional regulation, sometimes medication in ADHD context. Verywell Health+1


Closing: From “Too Much” to “Regulated Enough”

If you’re neurodivergent and you’ve spent years telling yourself you’re “too sensitive” or “over-reactive”, know this: your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do — protect you. The missing piece is not being less sensitive, but being more resourced. When rejection hits, you don’t have to total-freeze or explode. You can build an internal system that more accurately assesses threats and says: I’m safe enough to feel this, I’m going to come out the other side. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom. There are ways we can "recalibrate" our threat alert system so we are responding in ways that are more accurate and authentic, not overly distorted from years of avoiding feared situations or experiences. We can move from “I’m broken when I feel hurt” to “I’m human, I feel intensely, and I know how to stay grounded, connected to my values and keep moving.” It can be an increased confidence in our ability to feel fear and still engage in life in the ways we want to that feel authentic.



References (APA style)


Bercovici, D. (2023, May 11). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in ADHD & autism. Embrace Autism.

Borkovec, T. D., Alcaine, O. M., & Behar, E. (2004). Avoidance theory of worry and generalized anxiety

disorder. In R. G. Heimberg, C. L. Turk, & D. S. Mennin (Eds.), Generalized anxiety disorder:

Advances in research and practice (pp. 77–108). The Guilford Press.

Cleveland Clinic. (2022, August 30). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Cleveland Clinic.

Craske, M. G., Treanor, M., Conway, C. C., Zbozinek, T., & Vervliet, B. (2014). Maximizing exposure

therapy: An inhibitory learning approach. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 58, 10–23.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment,

communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we

are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Sönmez, A. Ö., et al. (2018). Comparing Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional

Defiant Disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7406564/  PMC Perfectly Autistic. (2025, June). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

Verywell Mind. (n.d.). What to know about autism and rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Verywell Health. (2025, Jan 14). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: What It Is and How to Cope.

Walker, L. (2021). The neurobiology of avoidance: Understanding fear conditioning and safety learning.

Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 15, 642351. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2021.642351



© Suzanne Fischer Comelo, Neurodivergent CoachingAll rights reserved.

 
 
 

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